DRUG CULTure

i am going to be as open as i used to be to her.

I had always envisioned it as being soo glamourous- everyone having a beautiful breakdown:
tripping in plaform heels
their platnum blonde heads bobbing along to every movement
their couture dresses slowly rising up following the direction of the runs in their tights
wow, you're gorgeous. you're a falling angel among the mere mortals who can only dote on you from the below your candy bar clouds.

while i was busy "trying on my wings" making a fool of myself but totally not minding, i saw people sweating and smiling and walking around like porn stars, touching eachother like their lives depended on it. I myself danced all night as if i stopped, i'd spontaneously combust, but that's besides the point. these glamour angels, spewing nonsense from their pacifier occupied mouths was so hilarious. They looked ridiculous. If i myself hadn't been high out of my mind, i would have pitied these pathetic people. Making a music event into a brain frying/mood depleting event. To be perfectly honest, i, for one of the few (scary, horrible desperate) times in my life, i saw myself as one of them; trying to fix the fuck up that i had become by enhancing my outgoingness and losing my many inhibitions with a little blue pill. I saw them as my family and talked to them about our future goals. Conversations start like this:
a comment about outfits
thank you! i like your ______ too!
Hi, I'm ________. My rave name is _________.
I'm Cassey -point to myself like a drunken vegas performer, batting the eyelashes all the while-. They just named me Kitty.
Oh is this your first rave?
Yeah... -smile all innocent-
WOW! How old are you?-looking at me with huge dilated eyes-
I'm sixteen...
-HUGE EYES-
...Yeah... I knowww, right! People always think i'm older..
Yeah! I thought you were older than me! -drunk vegas look-
Ahahaha how old are you?
Oh i'm twenty. This is my birthday rave; two years.
and the conversations continued pretty much like that. but one couple(who i got a bracelet from), when i told them i was only 16 they said "wow, be careful. don't lose yourself". maybe not exactly that, obviously it's fuzzy.

I asked a girl i was with if i could have some water and she said, "yeah, but don't have too much or it'll fuck up your brain. it's bad for you..." Is that not sad? I mean, it's funny as hell and even then i had to try to keep a straight face, but damn, that;s bad.
And now i'm sitting at my dining room table trying to do the homework that was assigned to me at 12:45. I'm on number 10 and i've skipped 2, 3, 4, 7, and 8 so far. The depression and migraines that follow the usage is totally not worth it when it comes down to it. I was done with this feeling; now i have to start from the ground up, it seems. And it sucks even more so that i can't talk to any of my close friends about drug culture. They'd flip. Let's see how you guys take this. Judge me if you will, i suppose i cannot do anything to stop you from it.

I leave with this last thought. I know why i did this. I needed to experience it at least once. that's all i plan on doing. I have to see what the world has to offer. I've experienced this, let's move on.

trying to be civil

I'd like to say that was the biggest waste of time of my life, but i've done worse.