DRUG CULTure

i am going to be as open as i used to be to her.

I had always envisioned it as being soo glamourous- everyone having a beautiful breakdown:
tripping in plaform heels
their platnum blonde heads bobbing along to every movement
their couture dresses slowly rising up following the direction of the runs in their tights
wow, you're gorgeous. you're a falling angel among the mere mortals who can only dote on you from the below your candy bar clouds.

while i was busy "trying on my wings" making a fool of myself but totally not minding, i saw people sweating and smiling and walking around like porn stars, touching eachother like their lives depended on it. I myself danced all night as if i stopped, i'd spontaneously combust, but that's besides the point. these glamour angels, spewing nonsense from their pacifier occupied mouths was so hilarious. They looked ridiculous. If i myself hadn't been high out of my mind, i would have pitied these pathetic people. Making a music event into a brain frying/mood depleting event. To be perfectly honest, i, for one of the few (scary, horrible desperate) times in my life, i saw myself as one of them; trying to fix the fuck up that i had become by enhancing my outgoingness and losing my many inhibitions with a little blue pill. I saw them as my family and talked to them about our future goals. Conversations start like this:
a comment about outfits
thank you! i like your ______ too!
Hi, I'm ________. My rave name is _________.
I'm Cassey -point to myself like a drunken vegas performer, batting the eyelashes all the while-. They just named me Kitty.
Oh is this your first rave?
Yeah... -smile all innocent-
WOW! How old are you?-looking at me with huge dilated eyes-
I'm sixteen...
-HUGE EYES-
...Yeah... I knowww, right! People always think i'm older..
Yeah! I thought you were older than me! -drunk vegas look-
Ahahaha how old are you?
Oh i'm twenty. This is my birthday rave; two years.
and the conversations continued pretty much like that. but one couple(who i got a bracelet from), when i told them i was only 16 they said "wow, be careful. don't lose yourself". maybe not exactly that, obviously it's fuzzy.

I asked a girl i was with if i could have some water and she said, "yeah, but don't have too much or it'll fuck up your brain. it's bad for you..." Is that not sad? I mean, it's funny as hell and even then i had to try to keep a straight face, but damn, that;s bad.
And now i'm sitting at my dining room table trying to do the homework that was assigned to me at 12:45. I'm on number 10 and i've skipped 2, 3, 4, 7, and 8 so far. The depression and migraines that follow the usage is totally not worth it when it comes down to it. I was done with this feeling; now i have to start from the ground up, it seems. And it sucks even more so that i can't talk to any of my close friends about drug culture. They'd flip. Let's see how you guys take this. Judge me if you will, i suppose i cannot do anything to stop you from it.

I leave with this last thought. I know why i did this. I needed to experience it at least once. that's all i plan on doing. I have to see what the world has to offer. I've experienced this, let's move on.

trying to be civil

I'd like to say that was the biggest waste of time of my life, but i've done worse.

melting message

I've been trying to memorize all the songs that staple your name onto my conscious. The words sit dripping in sweet irony as they slide off my tongue trying not to become cold and bitter. Enamored am i and my performance shows it as i stand center stage all spotlights on me while I'm trying to keep from drowning in sumptuous declarations and revelations. From off stage, i see my mentors mouthing the key to success, to conquering your heart and completing the serenade correctly. It's my final but i can't understand the cheating words- i think they're saying "protect your transmission"

happy as a clam

when you feel absolutely
INVINCIBLE
and
HAPPY for people you normally wouldn't.
the cynics will say,
"she's just crazy, hormonal, or high"
but you guys!
why are you being so closed? are you a mother fucking bivalve?
NO WE ARE HUMAN! WE ARE MEANT TO LIVE AND LOVE ALL THIS NATURE WE WERE GIVEN TO DISCOVER.
we are the privaleged ones, we cannot allow ourselves to squander life's beauty-
in its most obvious forms:
sunsets, the oceans, laughing friends, and warm kisses
but also in its more defective forms:
the fact that the homeless still have a second chance,
after a breakup, the fact that they obviously weren't the ONE,
and that no matter how much you lose yourself, you can always talk to your mother who will explain everything about you the way you came out, not the way you fabricated yourself to be.

Mother Knows Best

She's right. She's totally right.
We've all felt this way.
But we just need someone to snap us out of it.
I'm here.
I've got massive brass cymbals in my hands.
I'm here.
I'm ready to wake you up.
We gotta keep performing, for the good of our show!
Just keep dancing, your love for it will eventually grow.
We gotta keep pretending, don't let the kids know
that once you hit the double digits, everything's a blackhole.
Let's fake it for them so they understand, we need to fake it so no one's ever sad.
Sadness leads to self destruction, we can't lead them astray.
Be careful Lauren, let's save them from the gray!

Bete Filles

written March 25, 2009.

I'm only human.
I am only trying to save myself pain.
Pain i inflict upon myself-
With truth. With questions. With emotions.
With looks. With answers. With contempt.
Why'd i get myself into this?
Cuz i like the fight, the chase, the fun.
But how is it fun to get your hopes up
&to dream the best dream
&to have it come true
but to have it slip through your fingers...
Because you're only human.

5.something

5.something