I'm pissed. but i don't care anymore.
I'm sick of this. but i miss you.
i hate your childishness. but i'm complaining on a blog.
i want to break down and cry. but i swore i wouldn't let you affect me.
i'm menstrual; just let me be.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My personal history
On April 10, 1993, I, Cassandra Raquel Ramirez, was born and welcomed into the colorful world that is Mexican American Los Angeles. I grew up learning two languages- English and Spanish- simultaneously. When I was with my babysitter Alé, we’d walk to the grocery store, like most Mexican housewives do, in the middle of the day when the sun was at its highest point. Walking to the market was a chore but once we arrived, I’d marvel at all the hand-painted piggy banks and piñatas lining the tops of the shelves. They were never the same; the piggy banks weren’t even shaped like pigs. There were Disney princesses, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, quinceñera girls with poofy dresses, and others all containing the most beautiful, bright, rich colors. It was here, I began to fall in love with my culture- watching Alé choose the very best produce for her family, planning exactly what she was to use everything for during the week, and glancing up at all the colors around me- not only the piggy banks and the piñatas, but the fruits and vegetables, too. Being a child of the moonbounce-piñata-pastel que tu tia decoro celebration has made me appreciate the hard work ethic and the perpetual enjoyment of life my culture is known for.
At the age of four, I sat on Alé’s living room floor trying to avoid the staring eyes of Jesus in the painting down the hallway. They had rented the movie Selena(1997) and we were all watching it for the first time. In one of the scenes, JLo, portraying Selena, just looked out on the huge crowd listening to the “ahhhhh” screaming of the audience. All we could see was her silhouette, a few sparkles on her costume, the darkened faces of the audience, and the blinding lights that helped her to shine, and I got the chills. At that very moment, listening to my inner screaming crowd of fans, I decided I wanted to be not only a singer, or a performer, but a LEGEND, just like her.
Growing up in a single parent home, one learns how to be alone a lot and which fast food places are give you the best meals quick and for a good price. Our Mecca, if you will, was McDonald’s. From Happy Meals, to Big Breakfast Deluxes, to Big ‘N Tastys, Ronald McDonald saw me through and literally fed my “fat kid” stage. I even had my 5th birthday party at McDonald’s, in the play area. A few close friends and a store-bought chocolate cake that we got to decorate with Mini M&M’s made me a happy fat kid. In danger of becoming obese and broke from eating out so much, the pre-teen Cassey veered towards salads and grilled chicken. I learned to appreciate my body and that I don’t want to be polluting it with McDonald’s every week; now it’s just every month (just kidding).
The headaches started in fourth grade, and I’ve gotten one every day since the California mission report was assigned. Advil doesn’t work, and Aleve won’t do a thing. Depression hit in seventh grade when I left my normal clique and plagued me until the beginning of last year. With the depression and the headaches together, I felt like a robot, a still-alivesoul trapped in an embarrassed, awkward body. It was so difficult to break out of my shell, especially because I had never been stuck in one before. But I managed to make it through and I stand here before you, a gleaming example of “fake it ‘til you make it.”
Freshman year, I started to lie to my mom consistently, going out, wasting time with superficial people, and spending all of my mom’s hard-earned money. I didn’t like where I was headed and how I was treating my mom, so I moved to West Virginia to live with my dad, stepmom, and two older half sisters. It was winter and I had never seen real snow, so I enjoyed my new environment and meditated on who I was as a person and who I really wanted to become. I made plans for the next years, and I promised to myself I’d limit my outings, pay out of my own pocket as much as a jobless teenager can, and to respect my mother and shower her with the love she so clearly deserves. Not only did this help me mature, but being the “new girl” helped me get rid of my deep depression. Going to school with my sister made me loosen up so much that I felt like myself again, and I was able to be the normal, outgoing, outspoken Cassey I was all my childhood. I made tons of new friends, had normal relationships with guys, and learned so much about the mid western lifestyle.
Currently, I sit at my computer screen, reminiscing about my full life, and realizing- it’s not even close to being “full”. I’ve got a long way to go.
At the age of four, I sat on Alé’s living room floor trying to avoid the staring eyes of Jesus in the painting down the hallway. They had rented the movie Selena(1997) and we were all watching it for the first time. In one of the scenes, JLo, portraying Selena, just looked out on the huge crowd listening to the “ahhhhh” screaming of the audience. All we could see was her silhouette, a few sparkles on her costume, the darkened faces of the audience, and the blinding lights that helped her to shine, and I got the chills. At that very moment, listening to my inner screaming crowd of fans, I decided I wanted to be not only a singer, or a performer, but a LEGEND, just like her.
Growing up in a single parent home, one learns how to be alone a lot and which fast food places are give you the best meals quick and for a good price. Our Mecca, if you will, was McDonald’s. From Happy Meals, to Big Breakfast Deluxes, to Big ‘N Tastys, Ronald McDonald saw me through and literally fed my “fat kid” stage. I even had my 5th birthday party at McDonald’s, in the play area. A few close friends and a store-bought chocolate cake that we got to decorate with Mini M&M’s made me a happy fat kid. In danger of becoming obese and broke from eating out so much, the pre-teen Cassey veered towards salads and grilled chicken. I learned to appreciate my body and that I don’t want to be polluting it with McDonald’s every week; now it’s just every month (just kidding).
The headaches started in fourth grade, and I’ve gotten one every day since the California mission report was assigned. Advil doesn’t work, and Aleve won’t do a thing. Depression hit in seventh grade when I left my normal clique and plagued me until the beginning of last year. With the depression and the headaches together, I felt like a robot, a still-alivesoul trapped in an embarrassed, awkward body. It was so difficult to break out of my shell, especially because I had never been stuck in one before. But I managed to make it through and I stand here before you, a gleaming example of “fake it ‘til you make it.”
Freshman year, I started to lie to my mom consistently, going out, wasting time with superficial people, and spending all of my mom’s hard-earned money. I didn’t like where I was headed and how I was treating my mom, so I moved to West Virginia to live with my dad, stepmom, and two older half sisters. It was winter and I had never seen real snow, so I enjoyed my new environment and meditated on who I was as a person and who I really wanted to become. I made plans for the next years, and I promised to myself I’d limit my outings, pay out of my own pocket as much as a jobless teenager can, and to respect my mother and shower her with the love she so clearly deserves. Not only did this help me mature, but being the “new girl” helped me get rid of my deep depression. Going to school with my sister made me loosen up so much that I felt like myself again, and I was able to be the normal, outgoing, outspoken Cassey I was all my childhood. I made tons of new friends, had normal relationships with guys, and learned so much about the mid western lifestyle.
Currently, I sit at my computer screen, reminiscing about my full life, and realizing- it’s not even close to being “full”. I’ve got a long way to go.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sticks and stones, darling...
may break my bones, but lack of words will NEVER hurt me...
p.s. you're rather unnecessary.
p.s. you're rather unnecessary.
Monday, August 17, 2009
On the palm of my hand.
Infinite was the first to fade.
My infantry still resides. Rather distorted, but it's still standing.
Poor baby girl's taken some hits. Harsh ones, ones from family first. Then the friends she grew out of and then herself. But it's okay as long as her heart keeps beating, true and strong.
Rien n'arrete nos esprits.
My infantry still resides. Rather distorted, but it's still standing.
Poor baby girl's taken some hits. Harsh ones, ones from family first. Then the friends she grew out of and then herself. But it's okay as long as her heart keeps beating, true and strong.
Rien n'arrete nos esprits.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Remembering why i fell for him
if i had all the money in the world / i'd burn it / all my secrets told / and the curtains unfurled/ i have earned it. / smelled the sweet sent of her body in darkness / as my touch fades blue to black / a thirst that builds so deep inside / a burning and a twisted pride / an enemy gives he the clue / the answer to the question lives / and breathes inside of you / it forms a fog inside the heart / that is only wiped away by love
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
It comes down to this
I;m not like them. I can't stay sad, i can't appreciate the gravity of a statement. I like to perform for those who love life and i't imperfections. But i can't perform for those who have their eyes set only on those imperfections. I'm not like them, when it comes right down to it. I guess it's for the best you all live together.
Fuck, Facebook.
Fuck, Facebook.
Friday, July 31, 2009
That's what they all say
Once again i am called vapid and shallow.
I'd like to know when this cycle will end.
I have done nothing wrong but be selective. Not even selective in a prejudice way.
I'm just a normal human girl who wants her fairytale ending with the sparkles and flutters everytime her love walks through the door. I want my glimmer man rush when i recieve a kiss. I want it all
But i don't want you,
is that so bad?
I could accept you and take your heart and keep mine behind my ribs as you try to search for it in text messages and cute IMs, but really, we're both gonna end up losing. Don't push what isn't meant to be.
So easily said, no? when just a couple months ago... ah, forget it, it doesn't matter anymore. I'll love you. I wanna take this opportunity being given to me. I wanna see where this goes.
I'd like to know when this cycle will end.
I have done nothing wrong but be selective. Not even selective in a prejudice way.
I'm just a normal human girl who wants her fairytale ending with the sparkles and flutters everytime her love walks through the door. I want my glimmer man rush when i recieve a kiss. I want it all
But i don't want you,
is that so bad?
I could accept you and take your heart and keep mine behind my ribs as you try to search for it in text messages and cute IMs, but really, we're both gonna end up losing. Don't push what isn't meant to be.
So easily said, no? when just a couple months ago... ah, forget it, it doesn't matter anymore. I'll love you. I wanna take this opportunity being given to me. I wanna see where this goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
