Once again i am called vapid and shallow.
I'd like to know when this cycle will end.
I have done nothing wrong but be selective. Not even selective in a prejudice way.
I'm just a normal human girl who wants her fairytale ending with the sparkles and flutters everytime her love walks through the door. I want my glimmer man rush when i recieve a kiss. I want it all
But i don't want you,
is that so bad?
I could accept you and take your heart and keep mine behind my ribs as you try to search for it in text messages and cute IMs, but really, we're both gonna end up losing. Don't push what isn't meant to be.
So easily said, no? when just a couple months ago... ah, forget it, it doesn't matter anymore. I'll love you. I wanna take this opportunity being given to me. I wanna see where this goes.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
i'm scared shitless.
I'm scared shitless. I'm not gonna lie.
when my gaurd is down, and the problems creep on in, i snap my head to the other side to try to shake out the insecurities being whispered in my ear.
"you're fake. you're a bad friend. you lie. you're lazy. you're stupid. you're a selfish bitch. you make it impossible to love you." ...well there was that one time when i gossiped... those few times i took my mom for granted... that day i didn't touch my homework...
no, no, i think you've got the wrong person.
I'm awesome, i'm a great friend, i'm always myself, i'm nice, i treat others as i'd like to be treated, i follow the social rules, i'm awesome.
What the hell? There must be a change in the atmosphere to bring about your weird mood swing. How'd you go from never admitting the problem to saying it flat out and with exaggeration? where'd it come from that now you don't hate her and that you can hang out and talk all the time? where was i during this transition? I've been here a year and i thought i understood how everything works here, but now all the gears have switched places and i'm just staring up at this massive, looming, nuclear power plant holding my gardening tools. Obviously, i'm not prepared. I'm scared shitless.
when my gaurd is down, and the problems creep on in, i snap my head to the other side to try to shake out the insecurities being whispered in my ear.
"you're fake. you're a bad friend. you lie. you're lazy. you're stupid. you're a selfish bitch. you make it impossible to love you." ...well there was that one time when i gossiped... those few times i took my mom for granted... that day i didn't touch my homework...
no, no, i think you've got the wrong person.
I'm awesome, i'm a great friend, i'm always myself, i'm nice, i treat others as i'd like to be treated, i follow the social rules, i'm awesome.
What the hell? There must be a change in the atmosphere to bring about your weird mood swing. How'd you go from never admitting the problem to saying it flat out and with exaggeration? where'd it come from that now you don't hate her and that you can hang out and talk all the time? where was i during this transition? I've been here a year and i thought i understood how everything works here, but now all the gears have switched places and i'm just staring up at this massive, looming, nuclear power plant holding my gardening tools. Obviously, i'm not prepared. I'm scared shitless.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
i hate to admit this
but when it comes right down to it-
i've never truly loved someone. I 've only loved the version of them i picture them to be. I make them magical in the sense that whatever they do, they can do no wrong, and that every breath has a meaning. I see them doing everything just to impress me. I hope this makes sense, but i know it doesn't. This idea isn't fresh or anything, it's just very difficult for me to explain. I'll figure it out one day.
That day, i'll fall in love with a real person/
i've never truly loved someone. I 've only loved the version of them i picture them to be. I make them magical in the sense that whatever they do, they can do no wrong, and that every breath has a meaning. I see them doing everything just to impress me. I hope this makes sense, but i know it doesn't. This idea isn't fresh or anything, it's just very difficult for me to explain. I'll figure it out one day.
That day, i'll fall in love with a real person/
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
DRUG CULTure
i am going to be as open as i used to be to her.
I had always envisioned it as being soo glamourous- everyone having a beautiful breakdown:
tripping in plaform heels
their platnum blonde heads bobbing along to every movement
their couture dresses slowly rising up following the direction of the runs in their tights
wow, you're gorgeous. you're a falling angel among the mere mortals who can only dote on you from the below your candy bar clouds.
while i was busy "trying on my wings" making a fool of myself but totally not minding, i saw people sweating and smiling and walking around like porn stars, touching eachother like their lives depended on it. I myself danced all night as if i stopped, i'd spontaneously combust, but that's besides the point. these glamour angels, spewing nonsense from their pacifier occupied mouths was so hilarious. They looked ridiculous. If i myself hadn't been high out of my mind, i would have pitied these pathetic people. Making a music event into a brain frying/mood depleting event. To be perfectly honest, i, for one of the few (scary, horrible desperate) times in my life, i saw myself as one of them; trying to fix the fuck up that i had become by enhancing my outgoingness and losing my many inhibitions with a little blue pill. I saw them as my family and talked to them about our future goals. Conversations start like this:
a comment about outfits
thank you! i like your ______ too!
Hi, I'm ________. My rave name is _________.
I'm Cassey -point to myself like a drunken vegas performer, batting the eyelashes all the while-. They just named me Kitty.
Oh is this your first rave?
Yeah... -smile all innocent-
WOW! How old are you?-looking at me with huge dilated eyes-
I'm sixteen...
-HUGE EYES-
...Yeah... I knowww, right! People always think i'm older..
Yeah! I thought you were older than me! -drunk vegas look-
Ahahaha how old are you?
Oh i'm twenty. This is my birthday rave; two years.
and the conversations continued pretty much like that. but one couple(who i got a bracelet from), when i told them i was only 16 they said "wow, be careful. don't lose yourself". maybe not exactly that, obviously it's fuzzy.
I asked a girl i was with if i could have some water and she said, "yeah, but don't have too much or it'll fuck up your brain. it's bad for you..." Is that not sad? I mean, it's funny as hell and even then i had to try to keep a straight face, but damn, that;s bad.
And now i'm sitting at my dining room table trying to do the homework that was assigned to me at 12:45. I'm on number 10 and i've skipped 2, 3, 4, 7, and 8 so far. The depression and migraines that follow the usage is totally not worth it when it comes down to it. I was done with this feeling; now i have to start from the ground up, it seems. And it sucks even more so that i can't talk to any of my close friends about drug culture. They'd flip. Let's see how you guys take this. Judge me if you will, i suppose i cannot do anything to stop you from it.
I leave with this last thought. I know why i did this. I needed to experience it at least once. that's all i plan on doing. I have to see what the world has to offer. I've experienced this, let's move on.
I had always envisioned it as being soo glamourous- everyone having a beautiful breakdown:
tripping in plaform heels
their platnum blonde heads bobbing along to every movement
their couture dresses slowly rising up following the direction of the runs in their tights
wow, you're gorgeous. you're a falling angel among the mere mortals who can only dote on you from the below your candy bar clouds.
while i was busy "trying on my wings" making a fool of myself but totally not minding, i saw people sweating and smiling and walking around like porn stars, touching eachother like their lives depended on it. I myself danced all night as if i stopped, i'd spontaneously combust, but that's besides the point. these glamour angels, spewing nonsense from their pacifier occupied mouths was so hilarious. They looked ridiculous. If i myself hadn't been high out of my mind, i would have pitied these pathetic people. Making a music event into a brain frying/mood depleting event. To be perfectly honest, i, for one of the few (scary, horrible desperate) times in my life, i saw myself as one of them; trying to fix the fuck up that i had become by enhancing my outgoingness and losing my many inhibitions with a little blue pill. I saw them as my family and talked to them about our future goals. Conversations start like this:
a comment about outfits
thank you! i like your ______ too!
Hi, I'm ________. My rave name is _________.
I'm Cassey -point to myself like a drunken vegas performer, batting the eyelashes all the while-. They just named me Kitty.
Oh is this your first rave?
Yeah... -smile all innocent-
WOW! How old are you?-looking at me with huge dilated eyes-
I'm sixteen...
-HUGE EYES-
...Yeah... I knowww, right! People always think i'm older..
Yeah! I thought you were older than me! -drunk vegas look-
Ahahaha how old are you?
Oh i'm twenty. This is my birthday rave; two years.
and the conversations continued pretty much like that. but one couple(who i got a bracelet from), when i told them i was only 16 they said "wow, be careful. don't lose yourself". maybe not exactly that, obviously it's fuzzy.
I asked a girl i was with if i could have some water and she said, "yeah, but don't have too much or it'll fuck up your brain. it's bad for you..." Is that not sad? I mean, it's funny as hell and even then i had to try to keep a straight face, but damn, that;s bad.
And now i'm sitting at my dining room table trying to do the homework that was assigned to me at 12:45. I'm on number 10 and i've skipped 2, 3, 4, 7, and 8 so far. The depression and migraines that follow the usage is totally not worth it when it comes down to it. I was done with this feeling; now i have to start from the ground up, it seems. And it sucks even more so that i can't talk to any of my close friends about drug culture. They'd flip. Let's see how you guys take this. Judge me if you will, i suppose i cannot do anything to stop you from it.
I leave with this last thought. I know why i did this. I needed to experience it at least once. that's all i plan on doing. I have to see what the world has to offer. I've experienced this, let's move on.
Monday, June 8, 2009
trying to be civil
I'd like to say that was the biggest waste of time of my life, but i've done worse.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
melting message
I've been trying to memorize all the songs that staple your name onto my conscious. The words sit dripping in sweet irony as they slide off my tongue trying not to become cold and bitter. Enamored am i and my performance shows it as i stand center stage all spotlights on me while I'm trying to keep from drowning in sumptuous declarations and revelations. From off stage, i see my mentors mouthing the key to success, to conquering your heart and completing the serenade correctly. It's my final but i can't understand the cheating words- i think they're saying "protect your transmission"
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